‘And this is how we danced: with our mothers’
white dresses spilling from our feet, late August
turning our hands dark red. And this is how we loved:
a fifth of vodka and an afternoon in the attic, your fingers
sweeping through my hair—my hair a wildfire.
We covered our ears and your father’s tantrum turned
into heartbeats. When our lips touched the day closed
into a coffin. In the museum of the heart,
there are two headless people building a burning house.
There was always the shotgun above the fireplace.
Always another hour to kill—only to beg some god
to give it back. If not the attic, the car. If not the car,
the dream. If not the boy, his clothes. If not alive,
put down the phone. Because the year is a distance
we’ve traveled in circles. Which is to say: this is how
we danced: alone in sleeping bodies. Which is to say:
This is how we loved: a knife on the tongue turning
into a tongue.’ by Ocean Vuong
Interesting enough, we’re still traveling in circles: beautiful & cryptic ‘Home Wrecker’ came via Istanbul, the yellow ‘Rotten mangos’ photographed by Emmanuel Rosario intersects with Brussels and then everything is orchestrated in Berlin with Liima.
“This is my suicide dress,” she told him
“I only wear it on days
when I’m afraid
I might kill myself
if I don’t wear it”
“You’ve been wearing it
every day since we met” he said
“And these are my arson gloves”
“So you don’t set fire to something?” he asked
“…And this is my terrorism lipstick
my assault and battery eyeliner
my armed robbery boots”
“I’d like to undress you” he said
“But would that make me an accomplice?”
“And today,” she said “I’m wearing
my infidelity underwear
so don’t get any ideas”
So she put on her nervous breakdown hat
and walked out the door.
– Denver Butson –
It takes exactly 45 seconds to recreate the room in my mind.*
The same amount of time it takes to admit that my heart is divided.**
It seems that the story structure is quite different… so does the script, soundtrack, climax… and most of all, those happy signs called smiles.***
The never ending story of loving twoorthree people at the same time.****
It’s exhilarating to know that all of them like freedom a little too much! I don’t feel, taste and hear colours but fondness. *****
*You might assume I have a photographic memory, but I am almost sure it’s the first time this is happening to me. I’m terrified and excited at the same time.
**There is compelling evidence that continents have split apart.
***So, for the purposes of record keeping, I am going to start writing my glossary guide for smiles and declare it to be the most updated one at this point in time. You take pride in wearing that particular smile of yours. You won, beard! Go on, feed me with your music and fickleness! It would be foolish to argue.
****The path to liberation pushes the limits of skillful desires to see how far they can go. But despite their common pattern, desires are not monolithic.
*****Apparently we have charm and charisma, but we don’t have the dedication to stick to our guns. My heart is acting silly, and although I’m inhaling deeply, I’m not really sure that breakfast on the Bosphorus shore can be recreated somewhere else.
In a foolishly articulated note ‘There was food in my stomach, sun on the back of my neck, love on my mind, panic in my soul and an ache in my heart.’
Mi-a fost dor sa citesc o carte buna in limba romana. Si mai mult decat atat, mi-a fost dor sa-mi rascolesc adolescenta si copilaria si sa redevin omul pasionat de oameni, idei si valori, poate total lipsit de pragmatism, dar nicidecum lipsit de trairi fistichii. Inclin sa cred totusi ca undeva intr-o alta viata am trait in Orientul Mijlociu, din moment ce mereu am avut o simpatie aproape fanatica pentru viata strengarilor din aceste tari. De fiecare data cand il citesc pe Amos Oz imi redescopar caracteristici uitate si dorinte reprimate. Si gasesc magia asta a senzatiilor, efectului si a fragilitatii drept un bun personal ciudat de frumos.
Ma simt si ma vreau un Tehlikeli luftmensch.
‘La sfarsitul unei zile de vara, Kerem Avraham emana miros de imigranti din Europa de Est. Un miros acru. Daca as incerca sa izolez elementele, as identifica urmatoarele: transpiratia lor. Pestele lor. Uleiul ieftin pe care il folosesc la prajit. Problemele digestive pe baza nervoasa. Intrigi minore intre vecini, motivate de lacomia reprimata. Spaime si sperante. Ici-colo cate un canal de colectare pe jumatate astupat. Lenjeria care li se usuca pe franghiile de rufe intinse peste tot, in special lenjeria de dama, are un aer cucernic. Puritan, as zice. Pe fiecare pervaz se mureaza castraveti in foste borcane de dulceata, castravetii plutesc in apa cu usturoi, marar, patrunjel si frunze de dafin. Oare si de locul acesta ii va fi cuiva dor peste ani? E oare posibil ca cineva sa se intoarca aici intr-o buna zi, ca cineva sa viseze cu nostalgie la cazanele de rufe care ruginesc, la varul scorojit, la gardurile sparte, la scaieti si la mirosul imigrantilor?’
‘Keep your eye on the doughnut, not on the hole.’
A gentle reminder to focus on what matters.
‘Perhaps it took a stranger* to make a woman like her speak her mind. Perhaps this is why lunatics have a harder time dating, not because they are off the wall but because it is hard to find someone who is willing to date so many people in one person.
Little did she know that he was not going to be just a stranger*… perhaps’.
– inspired by Elif Shafiq –
*DEVIANT/ nonconformist, eccentric, maverick, individualist, exception, outsider, misfit, fish out of water, square peg in a round hole, round peg in a square hole
‘He wanted her to press him to stay, but, it was plain, she hadn’t done that. Perhaps he did not dared to tell her how frightened he was. To her he had always been gay, bold, adventurous and devil-may-care. And now, the prisoner of his own lies, he did not find the strength to confess himself the mean and sneaking coward he was. The doubt, the gnawing doubt that had tortured her during those dreadful days of suspense was no longer a doubt. Believe it or not, she could smell the sea.’
‘There are seven people in my house. We each have different genders. I cut my hair over the bathroom sink and everything I own has a hole in it. There is a banner in our living room that says “Love Cats Hate Capitalism.” We sit around the kitchen table and argue about the compost pile and Karl Marx and the necessity of violence when The Rev comes. Whatever the fuck The Rev means.’
I am untamed, fifty percent
A glimpse of your ankle just killed me, fifty percent
Everything about my heart is not a crime scene, error.
I am what happens after the war.
*Your ignorance will never move inside of me and will leave me harmless, but when you abuse of the important things, that’s the moment when you crack my inner peace and this will be the last time you’ll see me around. There is only one true meaningful fight in this life and that is for your personal inner peace. It may sound egocentric, but if you have a second look, this will only bring good things to others. True wisdom comes in peace and not in war, even though they can’t exist one without other. Let your ego starve for once and see how it feeds itself from other things. Choose your fights carefully and let yourself be a fool after you loved a person that didn’t deserve, just because next time you’ll pick better. Still, let yourself bleed for everything as this is the door to a different way of seeing things. Gain victories over the human spirit and be one with the garden in front of you!
Finally, my mind is exactly where it’s supposed to be. Everything is inherently cinematic!
I want to lend myself to others, but give myself to myself. From now on, always and forever.
I work on keeping my mind healthy and my heart happy.
I will remember about the fundamental goodness in people, even when they’re chaotic and they don’t pay attention to the stimuli they receive.
This means that I will adjust my expectations so I can minimize the disappointment.
What did I find when I stripped away the layers of my being? I’ve been tamed, I’ve been given a lovely nickname, I’ve been missed, I’ve been helped, I’ve been working with joy, I’ve been improving myself, I’ve been appreciated for my empathy and my abilities… and I’ve been smiling! Just because there’s no more pressure on my shoulders and chest.